do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
