you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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