the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
