I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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