the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
