there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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