i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
