I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
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