grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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