He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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