also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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