don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
