Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
