Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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