Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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