Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
