someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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