we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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