These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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