At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
