I can tuck mytits in my pants
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
This house was built for laser tag.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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