If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
