I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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