he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
