I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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