i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
