No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
