I think my fart just growled at me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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