This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
