If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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