There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
