just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
