It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
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Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
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That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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