I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Don't make out with my wife yet
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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