i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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