May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
tell your sister to shave her snatch
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
