LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
