On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
