he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
