At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
