He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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