The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
