I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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