so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
