the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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