Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
