The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
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I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
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He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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