if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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