I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
