seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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