I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
