hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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