so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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