Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
