before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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