i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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