Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
