I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my being single is dangerous.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
My penis needs a shock collar
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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