the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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