i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
