Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
