He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
